How To: On the Concealment of Sociopathic Tendencies
by Roxane Gay

1. Smile at babies, but not too much. They can sense things.
2. When holding babies, squeeze their soft skulls gently. Squeeze too hard and you’ll make a mess. Ignore the hollow sorrow that you can’t have one of your own.
3. Never leave the house before noon on Sunday unless it’s a holiday.
4. Make friends but not too many. Never tell them very much.
5. When old acquaintances get in touch, pretend to remember them using details they provide. For example, if Dolores Kim from college sends you an e-mail asking how you’ve been since you were on the debate team together, say that you still like to argue. Ask if the same holds true for her. Disagree with whatever she says. End contact.
6. Pretend to love dogs.  Smile when they bark uncontrollably. Stand still. Avoid making physical contact. Dogs can sense things.
7. Keep your fingernails sharp, clean and well-manicured.
8. E-mail your sister at least twice a day. Ask if she needs anything. Be kind. Be patient. Give her whatever she wants. Tell her you love her. Mean it. She’s not as strong as you.
9. Answer questions with questions. It will make people think you’re a good listener.
10. Only eat white meat.
11. Don’t forget to floss.



12. Always wear blue on Monday, short skirts on Tuesday, black on Fridays and very little on Saturday.
13. Flirt with the boy at the grocery store. When he offers to carry your bags to the car, smile. Say yes. Tip him generously. Don’t share your phone number. Teasing him is not okay.
14. Visit the dentist, but not too often. Enjoy the dentist but not too much.
15. Once a week, call your mother. Say hello and ask how she’s doing, how her mother is doing, if her knee is feeling better. Inquire about her friends and more importantly, her garden. Tell her your job is going well, you’re dating someone nice. Be careful what you say. She can sense things.
16. Never borrow books from the library.
17. Write only with paper and pen. Once a week, burn everything.
18. Never visit a fortuneteller, palm reader, bruja, or gypsy. A few of them can sense things.
19. Move quickly when passing the scene of a crime. Don’t look back. Ignore the rush of adrenaline coiling beneath your breastbone.
20. Never make eye contact but avoid looking away.
21. Once a month, call your father. Listen to him reminisce about when he fought in the war. He was never more than an army clerk in Guam. Don’t bring this up. Listen as he bellows for his third wife to bring him another goddamned drink. Listen when he reminds you that you’re a disappointment but he misses you anyway.  Ignore him when he asks about your sister, moans that she never writes, visits, calls. Tell him that one day you’re going to kill him. Remind him why. Tell him how. Be thorough. Tell him you love him.  Laugh when he laughs.
22. Go to confession. Wear something slutty. Bring a rosary. Speak in low, husky tones. Say, “Father, forgive me, for I have sinned.” Confess someone else’s misdeeds. Perform your penance. Wait for the priest to emerge from the confessional. Follow him to the rectory. Give him something to confess.
23. Go on dates regularly. Always offer to pay for half. Put out on the first date. Kiss with your eyes open. Have sex with your eyes closed. Fuck like a prostitute—a happy one with a heart of gold. Never date the same man for more than five weeks in a row.
24. Never answer text messages from men with whom you’ve slept. Unless you hear from Gary. He could put it down.
25. Change your phone number regularly.
26. Listen to the radio. When in public, hum along to popular songs.
27. Go to work. Arrive on time. Bring your own lunch. Do what you’re paid to do. Make small talk with your coworkers. Be entertaining but not overly so. Flatter your boss, but not enough to earn the disapproval of your coworkers. Treat your secretary well. Remember her birthday and husband’s name. She can sense things.
28. Learn how to fold yourself in half then in half again.
29. Keep your home clean. Use liberal amounts of bleach. Keep fresh flowers, never fake. Cut the stems every three days.
30. Learn one good joke—sophisticated, a little raunchy. Tell the joke at cocktail parties, when in groups of four or more.
31. Visit your mother at Christmas. Go to church with her. Don’t complain. Bow your head during the sermon. Don’t look at the crucifix. When you approach the altar to receive communion, slowly slide your tongue out, let the tip curl. Lick the priest’s finger as he places the communion wafer between your lips. Wink. After mass, let your mother introduce you to her priest. Shake his hand firmly, pressing two fingers against the underside of his wrist. Resist letting go. Give your mother a nice gift of perfume or a cashmere sweater. Stay through dinner and spend the night.  Leave early the next morning or she will ask you to stay longer.
32. Drink scotch, only the good stuff unless in the company of strangers. Then drink gin.
33. Late at night, when you’re alone, take a clean, sharp blade and make a shallow incision along the underside of your upper arm. Lick the blood. Savor. Clean the wound carefully.
34. Always wear gloves, just in case.

 

ROXANE GAY's writing appears or is forthcoming in DIAGRAM, Monkeybicycle, Keyhole, Annalemma, Necessary Fiction, Night Train and others. She is the associate editor of PANK and can be found online at www.roxanegay.com.

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