 |
|||||||
|
|
The Perpetual State of Hegemony It’s dark. He’s taking it well so far. What the fuck, I say. Maybe too harshly. He should get over it. Chug another beer, I say, and our sweat drips dry. I’m not your first, I ask mockingly, and he gets mad. He says something but I cut him off. I tell him I don’t have time for a boy. The next day Emily says Mrs. Blencik’s son stopped by looking for me. I ask her what he wanted. She shrugs as she changes the channel. I ask why she doesn’t know more, aren’t they both seniors. She tells me he’s two grades below her. Ben wants to know why we haven’t had sex in eleven days. I want to know why he’s keeping track. He wants to know if I’m cheating again. I use the word divorce. He shows up at my work, pretending to buy flowers for his girlfriend. I tell him to buy our most expensive bouquet. He does. I know he doesn’t have a girlfriend. The next dinner party is at Joanne and Mike’s. For the first time we bring Julia. She mixes in with the other kids. We eat. We drink. We don’t see the Blenciks. When you miss a party, the rule is, you host the next one. Her mother died so we all agreed it didn’t apply, but she insisted. The Chivus would have to postpone three weeks. Julia beats us to the door. After dinner Ben disappears with the hosts and Mrs. Hires. I’m happy for him. He hadn’t been chosen in almost a year. He taps me on the shoulder. I can tell who it is without turning around. One of those things you just know. I pretend I don’t feel it and continue drinking my wine with the vague hope he’ll go away. He presents the bouquet and now I have to acknowledge him. I give my best smile and tell him his flowers are lovely, the lucky girl will be proud. Everyone in the vicinity is watching, so I say the words loud, and I see his heart break. He bows, flowers clutched in his hand, and walks to the laundry room. I see some knowing glances, some confused, and some drunken. Only Lucia gives a judgmental one, but my return glance tells her I know of her own indiscretions. He isn’t quite crying, but he killed the flowers and is smoking a joint. His phone vibrates on the dryer as he looks at me. He says he texted every girl he knew. “For sex!” he screams, the petulance cracking in his voice. I tell him he really is a boy. That men don’t act like this. That he should never be allowed to come to a party again. I grab the joint from his fingers and take a hit. I sit on the washer, finishing my wine, and ask him if he wants to fuck. He looks at me, my legs dangling over his broken flowers, and cries. I pass him back the cigarette but he shakes it away. I put it out on the dryer and start to leave, but he stops me. He finishes his sniffles and lays back against the wall, under the window, his right leg resting against the dryer door. “You can’t love me can you?” I know it will hurt him but I can’t help but laugh. The thought never crossed my mind. I tell him I’m married, these parties are meant for grownups who know the difference between love and lust. I tell him I’m sorry I took him from the kid’s party. That I thought he was ready. “That’s not what I meant. I meant, you never could have loved me, no matter what the scenario. No matter the time or place or age difference, a person like you could never love a person like me. You’re just an evil bitch.” I look at him, nebulously comprehending what he is saying, only really hearing him demean me. I tell him he’s a spoiled brat. That he was the worst fuck I ever had and that I slept with his father. And that clearly size doesn’t run in the family. He tells me to wait as I walk out of the room, past the few staring eyes, and make my way upstairs. I open the door to the left to kids fumbling through sex; I can tell none of them is Julia. The door across the stairs has two boys and a girl talking in whispers. They stare harshly at me. He is at the top of the stairs as I close the door. He grabs my arm as I charge past him and stops me. “I gave her cocaine.” I hit him on the arm as hard as I can, he doesn’t seem to notice. “Because of you, only because of you. She wanted it and I had it and you were such a bitch.” I smack him in the head, with my fingers closed around my thumb. I feel it pop. “And I fucked her as she did it.” I scream now and start opening doors yelling my daughter’s name. I see a figure passed out on a bed in the third room I look. It isn’t until I look through all five without a response that I retrace my steps and head to that third room. I find her in a pool of drool, wearing only the bottoms of her underwear. I cover her in a blanket and carry her out to the hall. He is smirking as I pass him and walk down the stairs. Some people are mad I broke etiquette and aired my dirty laundry, some are mad that I brought an obvious problem to their attention, some are just mad I interrupted their party and bring the small chance of ending them forever. I see the looks of anger and shock and incredulousness as I slowly step down each stair. But mainly I see my mostly naked husband standing in disbelief that I interrupted his first selection in over a year.
t o p |
||||||
 |
|||||||
